Lens on Razer Cuts Its Own Throat

Today, I'm going to be going off on a rant.  I know, you thought I was full of bluster and bullshit before, just wait until I get rolling!

And what's got me so pissed off didn't even happen to me!  It happened to a friend and when I tried to help her out...well, heads must roll (if only I were King)!

THE MOUSE THAT WORKED

I've owned a Razer Naga MMO mouse for a few years.  I didn't even buy it because of the "MMO" in the name.  I bought it because I needed more thumb buttons.  The mouse I had at the time had one or two, and I wanted at least four.

Why four?  One for push-to-talk, and one each for Shift, Control, and Alt, so that I could more easily activate my first four rows of hotkeys in Lord of the Rigns Online.

The Naga haz 12 thumb buttons.  That's way more than I needed, but nobody else had more than two at the time.  So 12 was it!

It worked fine when I got it and the software installed OK.  Configuring it took a bit of poking and prodding, but I got it to do what I wanted, mostly.  True, to get it working the way I wanted I needed to set my push-to-talk to F12 where it occasionally gets in the way.  GW2 defaults that to "Logout", so I changed that in GW2 immediately.  Chrome uses that to pop up the Java window...and doesn't allow you to disable it.  The plug-in to turn off that function only works most of the time, so occasionally I talk and up pops the Java window when I'm in Chrome, but I can deal.

All in all, it worked well enough and I would have recommended it to friends looking for a thumb-button-rich mouse with programmability.

And now for a brief aside...

FLASHBACK 1995

In 1995 the Internet was just dawning on the public at large.  URLs were starting to show up on TV ads and "You've Got Mail" was still a couple years off.  Netscape had gone public and the stock was skyrocketing at a ludicrous pace.

I was working in a high-profile tech company at the time, and one day in an executive staff meeting, one of the VPs, unable to contain his excitement, exclaimed "OK...this Internet thing is going to be BIG!  We need to be involved in it!"

His pronouncement was met with stunned silence until someone said, "Our entire business is predicated on it, actually."

Yes, a VP had no clue what the business they were in was working based on.

It was a wild time, where any dumb-ass idea that involved "the Internet" could get funding.  I referred to it as "smoking the Internet Weed".  Seemingly intelligent people could toss logic out the window in the gold-rush for Internet-related anythings.

It's often referred to as "the Internet Bubble".  And it sure popped.

THEY CALL IT "THE CLOUD" BECAUSE IT'S MOSTLY VAPORWARE

Today's version of "smoking the Internet Weed" could be called "inhaling The Cloud smoke", because it's about that substantial and will probably make you choke.

A couple of interesting facts surfaced lately in polls.  First, more than 90% of all people using "The Cloud" aren't aware of it.  Because "The Cloud" includes things like gmail, FaceBook, Flickr and so on, people don't realize they're clouding (I made up a word!).  The other number was that 50% of people think that "The Cloud" can be affected by the weather.

Seriously, that's how much of a bullshit, meaningless buzzphrase "The Cloud" is...that half of all people think it's dependant on the weather.

"The Cloud" is great for certain things...say like those I mentioned above, where you need your data to be accessible by yourself or others via the Internet.  But there are immense problems with it too...if the company you're trusting with your data has a security breach.  Or burns down.  Or has snoopy employees.  Or a bazillion other potential problems.

"The Cloud" is a tool.  Like every tool, it has a proper place and function.

But because it's suddenly in the ideaspace (I think I made up another word!) of every halfwit executive, like the Internet Weed before it, suddenly it's vital that everybody, everywhere include it in their product.

Even if it's a terrible idea, these halfwits are going to shove it down the customer's throats!

THE MOUSE THAT FAILED, "RAZOR SYNAPSE"

Cue Razer, and one (or more) of their halfwitted execs!

My friend picked up a Razer Naga a week or so ago.  She installed the software and...it wanted her to log in to the website.

Uh...this is a MOUSE.  No website is needed for a mouse.

Or so you'd think.  But the software wouldn't continue with the install until she created an account on the Razer website and logged in.  Logically, she said "Screw this bullshit" (actually, I don't think she swore...yet) and cancelled.  She just wanted freaking drivers and config software.

But it wasn't available on their website.  The only thing available was the software abortion known as "Razer Synapse", the web-based configuration software it had tried to install earlier.

So I tracked down the drivers, which still existed on their website on an orphaned page (i.e. not reachable by browsing from their home page) and gave her the location.

She tried to install the good old-fashioned driver/config software, but it failed, because the Synapse shitware had crapped the bed before she cancelled out of it.

Just starting her long journey to frustration, she contacted Razer customer support.

HELL IS TECH-SUPPORTING SOME OTHER ASSHOLE'S DECISION

It's clear what has happened at Razer.  An executive moron made a decision, that Razer needed cloud-based mouse configuration (hey asshole, it's a fucking mouse!) as the ONLY SUPPORTED OPTION, to force customers to use it.  And the poor bastards in tech support had to try to deal with all the problems.

So my friend gets to customer support where she's told that the old drivers are no longer supported (or supposed to even be available) after about a week before her purchase.  It was Synapse only from now on.

She explains that she has the installer for the previous version and she doesn't want Synapse because she doesn't want her mouse config dependant on being connected to the Internet.

"Do you have Internet reliability problems in your home?"

"No, I have a laptop that I use in locations with no Internet connectivity, asshole (she didn't say that), and I'd like to be able to use my fucking (that either) mouse configuration.  Because it's a GODDAMNED MOUSE! (nor that whole sentence)."

"Oh."

So the guy tries to help her get her mouse working.  He insists on upgrading the firmware.

No joy...so she uninstalls all of the Synapse crap...no joy.  Now the tech thinks he may have broken the mouse when he futzed with the firmware and she should exchange it.

At this point I can actually hear her temple veins throbbing through Ventrilo.

She nukes every last piece of Razer software from her computer and, against her better judgement, exchanges the mouse for another of the same.

She installs the old driver/config software...

And it just works.  Like mine did.  Like several other guildies did.

What is our lesson here?

RAZER TREATS THE CUSTOMER LIKE THE SMALLEST CON ON THE CELLBLOCK

OK, idiot exec...if you want to offer the numberless advantages of cloud-based configuration (numberless as in "zero") as an option on your mouse, go for it!

Y'know...I really can't think of a single advantage to it.  Under what circumstances am I going to pick up my mouse, unplug it, carry it with me, plug it into another computer and then log into Razer's website (with another install of the Synapse shitware on the destination computer) so that I can use my mouse?

But, if in your infinite stupidity Mr. Exec, you insist, then fine.

When a person starts the software install, offer them two options, the old-fashioned driver/config and the shiny new (pointless) cloud-based web-config.  Just make sure to inform them of the drawbacks of your brilliant option, you microcephalic coprophage.

Because whatever advantage you think that Razer will accrue from leveraging this centralized control into some sort of marketing-driven monetization, it will be more than offset by the number of dissatisfied customers.

Including this one.

BECAUSE I WILL NEVER PURCHASE ANY RAZER PRODUCT AGAIN.

I know...what a terrible threat!  I'm sure Razer is quaking in their boots.  But here's the thing...it's not just going to be me.  The first time somebody has to log in to the web site to configure their mouse will be the last time, for most people, that they'll buy a Razer product.

Think I'm wrong?  Take a look what happened with Cisco a few months back from this collection of urls (the titles are sufficiently informative):

http://www.neowin.net/news/cisco-locks-users-out-of-their-routers-requires-invasive-cloud-service

http://www.readwriteweb.com/enterprise/2012/07/new-cisco-connect-cloud-enrages-users-over-privacy-issues.php

http://www.slashgear.com/cisco-responds-to-connect-cloud-complaints-03236934/

http://technology.newsplurk.com/2012/07/cisco-rethinks-service-after-customer.html

They tried the same shitware approach, that if you wanted to configure your own router, you had to use their cloud-based config.

Customers went batshit crazy.

Cisco backpedalled, FAST.

Google up "Razer Synapse" and note the top auto-completes:  "not working", "2.0 problems", "account locked".

How about that last one!  Your account is locked so you can't configure your mouse!

Razer...fuck you.

I will not use one of your products again.  And backpedalling this decision isn't enough.

I need to see, on YouTube, every single stupid bastard involved in this decision being physcially thrown out of the Razer headquarters, along with all their office shit.

Because I am the customer, and when you try to leverage me, I'll use the only leverage I have in response.

I'll give you the finger and take my money elsewhere.